09 October 2013

My only rejoinder is that I've done my best

Coming out is supposed to be a wonderful liberating event, and in many ways it has been. I'm so happy to be myself. But the last three years of my life have been immensely challenging too. I try to stay generally positive on this blog, yet it would be inaccurate to ignore the negative.

My life feels like it is being turned upside down recently, with not much indication that the near future will be much improved. There have been moves and job changes, periods of physical separation from my family, conversations, tough conversations, more conversations, a few close individuals who are angry with me, my broken heart, sorrow that I have hurt my wife, concern for my children, confusion, uncertainty about my career, loneliness.

I'm torn between different visions for my life, lost on a map that is full of courses but almost no details. I'm torn between what my wife wants and what I yearn for deep down. I can't give what others can give to their marriages, but I love my wife so deeply as a friend and as the amazing person that she is. In no way do I want to be a cause of her sorrow, but I want so much to follow my heart, to feel whole, to be myself. I don't know where I am headed in my career. I finished up a very successful term position recently, but my current work feels less rewarding. I don't even have a place that really feels like home anymore. I count 9 places I've slept in 3 states in the last 2 months and that doesn't include camping.

This morning I felt utterly defeated. I probably lost a chance for romance with someone I've become very close to. I had put so much energy into hoping that something would work out for us in the future. He was my first real gay friend (besides my sister), the first stranger I reached out to with some trepidation when I was first coming out and wanted to meet gay people. I fell into feelings for him almost instantly, unexpectedly. He was so integral to my coming out experience, such a positive example of acceptance of himself and of doing his best in a mixed orientation marriage. From practically the very beginning, I talked openly with my wife about these feelings and what occurred in our relationship over time. Emotionally I became very attached - and that process taught me how much emotional attraction is an integral part of my sexuality. I waited and waited as we both had a lot to figure out. I fell into something so utterly natural for me as a gay person and yet it caused so much sorrow for my wife to be a witness to all that unfolded.

Some days I get caught up in the swirl of these emotions of sadness and loss and feel so stuck. In those moments I feel an expectation to make all of the "right" decisions. But this is such an unpredictable journey that I can't keep up with it all. I'm colliding often with my own personal limits. I want to have happy children, a wonderful same-sex relationship, an enduring deep friendship with my spouse who finds comfort in moving on, friends who are proud of me and my choices, a decent job where I contribute meaningfully to the world, and some time for hobbies to enrich my life. But currently it feels like I am barely getting by. My intentions and hard work carry me a ways into positive territory, but the momentum of my past, my confusion, my failings, keep moving me back onto challenging ground.

To have a broken heart, to break another's heart, to feel deep sadness about both - I haven't experienced anything unique that almost every other human will experience. Yet all of these challenges seem to have fallen on me at once. I brought them upon myself though, and when sympathy is in short supply I must acknowledge that I'm the main cause of the mess. My only rejoinder when the spotlight is turned on my life is that I've honestly tried my absolute best at every turn. I can't wait for sunnier days again.


  1. What a truly amazing post you have written here.

    I love how you have clearly and distinctly articulated your thoughts and feelings, I love how you are trying to be the best human being to everyone possible, I am sorry that it has caused so much pain for yourself and for those whom you care so much about, and I am touched by your honesty and the ways in which you are trying to move forward.

    You are a stellar human being.

    Thank you so much for writing this post.

    I wish you the best in ALL through which you are going.

    And, for your wife, maybe she will be willing to move away from a marriage relationship with you in the hopes of finding wholeness for herself, also, (and, of course, wholeness for you, too). I know it can be very painful for all sides concerned, but I also have seen it work out for all sides concerned, in time. I hope and wish that for you. :)

    Happy day. Duck

  2. Never thought I'd find a blog like this :D I'm obsessed with biology, and in fact studying biotechnology at university. I too, am homosexual and atheist, but life is not easy for people like me in this place (middle east..).

    I can strongly relate to your problem of trying to enrich your life, and somewhat to finding a partner. The thing is, I could simply and quite easily find a homosexual here even with my tiny aura of friends but my problem is fear. I'm afraid to change my lifestyle and I'm afraid that the one I'm going to meet is yet another shallow teenager.

    Now as to your expectations, I suggest you focus on one of these things at once. multitasking haven't worked for me even with the fact that I have practically nothing to do and a crapload of freetime

  3. Thank you for this awesome post. As someone who is also finding himself at some major crossroads in life, I find I can empathize with much you are saying (although I am not and never have been married).

    I hope you are able to find peace, happiness, and love in your journey. With every day that goes by, I feel myself getting closer to living an authentic and awesome life!