I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Some of my thoughts have centered on a few lists. By no means do I intend to reduce the complexity, rewards and challenges of relationships to a few lists, but for me, focusing on a few concepts is a valuable way to organize some of the new and confusing thoughts and feelings that I have had about relationships over the last two years.
The first list contains attributes that I look for in another person. When one forms such a list, it tends to be in terms of finding a romantic partner. However, it could also be generalized in some way to include friendships or even business and work partnerships. For me, some of the critical things on this list include compassion, honesty, hard work, attraction, intelligence, creativity and a love for learning and discovery. I cannot, for instance, imagine developing a close relationship with someone where trust was a significant problem.
My second list is the inverse of the first. It comprises the attributes that I potentially offer to others. This is a challenging list. Even though I can enumerate some positive attributes that I think I offer to others, I know that in each of these areas I fall at least somewhat short. In self-evaluation, there is also an important balance to be achieved. On the one hand, self-confidence is attractive to others and is healthy. On the other hand, taken too far, that confidence can become arrogance which is very unattractive to others and is unhealthy. I probably struggle with both lack of self-confidence and some arrogrance from time to time (like everyone else??), but self-confidence tends to be my more frequent challenge. The other challenge with the self list is that the contents of this list may vary from person to person. My wife might value a certain set of attributes about me, but a close friend may see other things. While we may have a lot of control over the personality and behavioral attributes we work hard to cultivate in ourselves, we have no control over what others see or value in us.
Mutual attraction forms from some compatible combination of the first two lists. When we first meet someone, maybe we pick up on a few of the more outstanding attributes we see in someone else. As a relationship begins to form, we are learning a lot about the other person and (consciously or not) thinking about whether they meet some of the other attributes we look for in others. Obviously there is never any perfect match between two people since no one person can offer a complete suite of physical, personality and behavioral attributes that meets every need of another person. Even in the rare cases where two people feel that they are a near perfect match for each other, there is always the possibility that needs, attractions and personalities diverge over time.
The final list pertains to relationships themselves, not the individual involved. Once a romantic parter or friend has been found, the challenging matter of forming a mutually beneficial relationship begins (in the context of friendship I am talking about close, long-term friendships not the shorter-term, more numerous friendships and acquaintances that may come and go with life). For me, the list that describes a successful close relationship has a few critical points. First, mutual attraction needs to be present. This includes physical, sexual, emotional, social and intellectual attraction (minus the sexual and perhaps much of the physical for friendships). Romantic relationships that miss some of these elements may not work in the long-term; friendships that lack social, emotional and intellectual attraction may not really develop far in the first place. Second, close relationships require committment and trust. Third on the list is communication. We all have different styles of communicating love, discomfort and needs. But in the maturation of the relationship, the two individuals need to develop ways of communicating that are honest, respectful of each other, and that can actually lead to the resolution of challenges. My final item is symmetry. By symmetry, I think that the healthiest relationships need to be balanced. In other words, each partner should be putting in roughly equal effort and committment into the relationship. If one partner puts in much more energy, he or she may feel disappointed or unappreciated and the other partner may feel pressured or uncomfortable. Friendships often adjust fairly smoothly to a mutually-acceptable level of effort. Achieving a balance may be difficult in more intense or romantic relationships, and may be the reason many of them do not succeed.
I have been immensely blessed with a few very close relationships in my life. They continue to this day. I cherish them because of the joy they bring to me and the growth that has ensued. These relationships have taken a lot of work. If there is one thing I tend to do well in close relationships, it is to invest heavily in others and to commit to do my very best. There are many other things that I tend to not do so well, and for the forgiveness and patience of others I am grateful.
None of us is a relationship expert. But what have you learned about close relationships in life? What are the critical elements that make close friendships, family relationships and romances flourish?
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
09 February 2013
16 January 2013
The end of religion?
A provocatively-titled article came across a social media site today and caught my eye. In "Religion may not survive the Internet", Valerie Tarico lists several reasons why conservative religions are threatened by information flow. That - the free exchange of ideas and instant communication - not the internet per se, is more accurately the threat, if any, to the survival of certain belief systems.
Religion has been with humankind for at least some 20-30 thousand years, if interpretations of cave art in southern Europe are correct. Given its long history and the high percentage of people that still identify with some religious tradition in the 21st century, I do not think it is going anywhere anytime soon. Thus, Tarico's title is hyperbole. However, she does raise some interesting points in the article:
(1) The mechanisms (overt, covert, intentional or otherwise) that some religious traditions have relied on to maintain homogeneity of belief may not be as effective in an age when information can flow much more freely than ever before. Insularity may be one such mechanism. When people form cohesive groups that more or less cut off discourse with the outside world, it may be easier to maintain certain religious beliefs. It is hard to know how much this really goes on today. It would seem that in our information age virtually everyone would be exposed to just about any set of ideas. However, even in a sea of information, are some people so selective in what they read or hear that they very rarely encounter perspectives that contradict their own beliefs?
I think that Tarico's misstep is to equate this free-flow of information with the internet. Yes, the internet has accelerated the pace of information exchange, but information exchange has been possible for a long time by a number of different vehicles. The data on evolution, for example, have been out there for some time. It just required more work to find it in the past. She also seems to indict religion generally, but some of her arguments probably only apply broadly to more fundamentalist religions traditions. I see the free flow of information as a threat mostly to religious systems that are adament about doctrinal orthodoxy.
One potential causalty of information exposure is religious literalism. Specific narratives like Noah's Flood have no credibility scientifically. A young curious mind raised on stories of Noah (and mind you, curiosity is a key variable in the equation!), isn't going to find much support for such traditional religious ideas in information from the outside world. At risk too, are antiquated social constructs that are an important part of a specific religious tradition but which cannot withstand the scrutiny of empirical evidence or informed discussion. Being a gay blog, I'll mention homosexuality here as an example. When, by the freer flow of information, people find out that gay people are often law-abiding, charitable and accomplished citizens, or that practically to a person gay people relate that they never "chose" their sexual orientation, an archaic belief that homosexuality is a Satan-inspired threat to humanity becomes very hard to sustain.
The solution for religious systems in an age of information overload is simply to adapt. My guess is that many mainstream religions are doing so - they learn to embrace science, evolution, rational inquiry, and increasing social equality. Religions, like languages and genes, must evolve to survive.
(2) Tarico points out that science represents a threat to religion, and not just because it might directly contradict certain religious claims. She writes:
"Religion evokes some of our most deeply satisfying emotions: joy, for example, and transcendence, and wonder....Fortunately, science can provide all of the above...[thus] it should be no surprise that so many fundamentalists are determined to take down the whole scientific endeavor. They see in science not only a critic of their outdated theories but a competitor for their very best product, a sense of transcendent exuberance." (1)
I think that these thoughts are the highlight of the article. Religion's most powerful claim to its continued value for humanity is it's ability to provide a transcendent experience for individual believers. If that transcendence can be achieved elsewhere - in a classroom, in nature, through a microscope - then one of the most important functions of religion is lost.
In my own experience this makes a lot of sense. As a scientist I find such fascination in the natural world that there seems no need to call upon the supernatural. Whether ecology, geology, or the diversity of life, I find such an unending wealth of questions and discoveries that I can connect with the broader world around me in profound ways. Steeped in science, I am left to feel miniscule - much like I would by believing in an all-powerful God who watches over me. Yes, I am still swayed by the need for love and purpose - intangibles that science may have little to say about - but I've also found that specific religious systems are not necessary to appreciate and seek after such things.
Religion seems to be here to stay. Yet I do hope that it will continue to evolve to be a more rational and loving human enterprise. Maybe the internet will be part of accelerating that process. Thoughts?
Religion has been with humankind for at least some 20-30 thousand years, if interpretations of cave art in southern Europe are correct. Given its long history and the high percentage of people that still identify with some religious tradition in the 21st century, I do not think it is going anywhere anytime soon. Thus, Tarico's title is hyperbole. However, she does raise some interesting points in the article:
(1) The mechanisms (overt, covert, intentional or otherwise) that some religious traditions have relied on to maintain homogeneity of belief may not be as effective in an age when information can flow much more freely than ever before. Insularity may be one such mechanism. When people form cohesive groups that more or less cut off discourse with the outside world, it may be easier to maintain certain religious beliefs. It is hard to know how much this really goes on today. It would seem that in our information age virtually everyone would be exposed to just about any set of ideas. However, even in a sea of information, are some people so selective in what they read or hear that they very rarely encounter perspectives that contradict their own beliefs?
I think that Tarico's misstep is to equate this free-flow of information with the internet. Yes, the internet has accelerated the pace of information exchange, but information exchange has been possible for a long time by a number of different vehicles. The data on evolution, for example, have been out there for some time. It just required more work to find it in the past. She also seems to indict religion generally, but some of her arguments probably only apply broadly to more fundamentalist religions traditions. I see the free flow of information as a threat mostly to religious systems that are adament about doctrinal orthodoxy.
One potential causalty of information exposure is religious literalism. Specific narratives like Noah's Flood have no credibility scientifically. A young curious mind raised on stories of Noah (and mind you, curiosity is a key variable in the equation!), isn't going to find much support for such traditional religious ideas in information from the outside world. At risk too, are antiquated social constructs that are an important part of a specific religious tradition but which cannot withstand the scrutiny of empirical evidence or informed discussion. Being a gay blog, I'll mention homosexuality here as an example. When, by the freer flow of information, people find out that gay people are often law-abiding, charitable and accomplished citizens, or that practically to a person gay people relate that they never "chose" their sexual orientation, an archaic belief that homosexuality is a Satan-inspired threat to humanity becomes very hard to sustain.
The solution for religious systems in an age of information overload is simply to adapt. My guess is that many mainstream religions are doing so - they learn to embrace science, evolution, rational inquiry, and increasing social equality. Religions, like languages and genes, must evolve to survive.
(2) Tarico points out that science represents a threat to religion, and not just because it might directly contradict certain religious claims. She writes:
"Religion evokes some of our most deeply satisfying emotions: joy, for example, and transcendence, and wonder....Fortunately, science can provide all of the above...[thus] it should be no surprise that so many fundamentalists are determined to take down the whole scientific endeavor. They see in science not only a critic of their outdated theories but a competitor for their very best product, a sense of transcendent exuberance." (1)
I think that these thoughts are the highlight of the article. Religion's most powerful claim to its continued value for humanity is it's ability to provide a transcendent experience for individual believers. If that transcendence can be achieved elsewhere - in a classroom, in nature, through a microscope - then one of the most important functions of religion is lost.
In my own experience this makes a lot of sense. As a scientist I find such fascination in the natural world that there seems no need to call upon the supernatural. Whether ecology, geology, or the diversity of life, I find such an unending wealth of questions and discoveries that I can connect with the broader world around me in profound ways. Steeped in science, I am left to feel miniscule - much like I would by believing in an all-powerful God who watches over me. Yes, I am still swayed by the need for love and purpose - intangibles that science may have little to say about - but I've also found that specific religious systems are not necessary to appreciate and seek after such things.
Religion seems to be here to stay. Yet I do hope that it will continue to evolve to be a more rational and loving human enterprise. Maybe the internet will be part of accelerating that process. Thoughts?
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